Adjusting to Motherhood - By god it was hard

Prior to having our son, I was a New Product Development Controller for a large, chilled food company. My job was busy, I worked long hours, I managed a team, there were lots of demands on me every day - but none of that prepared me for motherhood.

This is a photo of Owen and I the day before my 33^rd birthday on a day trip to St Andrews.  I was happy.  We were out and about, but on a daily basis it was a different story.  

I really struggled adjusting to motherhood.  We had not long moved back to Scotland.  My family lived in Edinburgh, but I didn’t know anyone in Newtongrange where we had moved. I went to mother and baby groups, but I struggled with small talk and really missed the focussed conversations from work.  Conversations where I felt my input made a difference.

I struggled to keep on top of the house with a baby and 2 dogs and was totally overwhelmed with the amount of brightly coloured plastic that had descended on our home!  When anyone (apart from my Mum) came to visit I felt I needed to clean the house from top to bottom, which took me ages as I’m no domestic goddess and was physically in pain after a car crash of a labour, with the result I ended up resenting visitors unless it was people I really wanted to see.  That caused no end of issues with my husband’s family.  

I felt a failure both as a woman and a mum.   Other women made it look easy.  I found it hard, and I missed the mental stimulation of my job.  Other than my husband, I don’t think anyone had any idea how I felt.  I didn’t talk about it.  I got on with it because that’s what I was raised to do.  I didn’t want anyone to know I wasn’t coping.  I felt ashamed.

Last year, aged 50, I went to a meeting at our kids’ school about ADHD.  By the time the Educational Psychologist was on slide two I’d already ticked a lot of the boxes. From then, things started to make sense.  It explained a lot of the challenges I’d experienced.  My work had brought me constant dopamine hits, a quest that had resulted in burnout, but in adjusting to parenthood I’d missed that hit.   

Over the last year I’ve been learning more about ADHD, particularly in women and girls, and now understand that when oestrogen drops, as happens after having a baby, ADHD symptoms worsen.  Being fearfully independent is a trait of ADHD and as women we are very good at masking but the anxiety this creates is not good for us and it’s not good for our baby. This is a period that is critically important for our baby’s brain development.

I am sharing my story in the hope that it helps other women get the right diagnosis and support when they need it.  I wish I’d know this 20 years ago.

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